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UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. 






SOCIALS 



SOCIALS 



y 

EFFIE W. MERRIMAN 

Author of "Pards," "A Queer Family" and "The Little Millers.' 
Editor of The Housekeeper. 



CHICAGO: 
CHARLES H. SERGEL & COMPANY 



V v 






( opyiight, 1891, by Charle6 H. Sergel & C<X 



SOCIALS 

Socials form one of the commonest means 
by which different societies seek to raise money. 
Complaint is made that people are less charita- 
bly inclined, less public-spirited, than they 
used to be ; that every season they become 
more exacting as to the amount of amusement 
furnished for the money, and that they are 
not easily induced to twice patronize the same 
thing. 

A church needs furnishing, a poor family 
needs assistance, a new organ is wanted, a 
school-library is to be started, a temperance 
society lacks necessary funds, a hospital calls 
for assistance ; and every one has so many 
cares that these calls hardly receive a thought. 

Then the ladies, who have more charity than 
money, put their shoulders to the wheel and 
propose to solve the difficulty by getting up 
an entertainment that shall coax the pennies 
from those who care less for charity than for 
their own comfort. This condition of affairs 

5 



6 SOCIALS 

has been of long standing, and best known 
forms of entertainments have been worn thread- 
bare ; consequently, from all over the country 
arises the cry : "What can we get up that 
shall be new and entertaining?" In reply, and 
also to help those whose hearts are larger than 
their pocket-books, the following suggestions 
have been written. 

To make the social entertaining, the charac- 
ter of those who are to form the audience must 
be taken into consideration. A "Shakespearean 
Carnival" is delightful, but would be called 
stupid by one who had never read Shakespeare. 
"An evening with Browning" is enjoyed by 
many, but those who have read and studied all 
day do not care to pay for the privilege of 
continuing study in the evening ; they want to 
be amused and will be more likely to spend 
their money where they can have a good time 
without much mental effort. Societies which 
have a reputation for giving amusing enter- 
tainments are sure to be well patronized. 

One of the most necessary elements of amuse- 
ment is surprise.- The leader who would make 
her social successful should be ingenious, not 
afraid to make strange innovations on estab- 
lished customs, and able to keep a secret. 
Curiosity is strong in human nature. No one 



SOCIALS 7 

but those who take part should know anything 
about the entertainment except the name. 

If it is proposed to hold a series of socials, 
none of them should be very long. There is 
nothing more fatal than a tedious program. 
Make it short, do not allow it to drag. If 
the company go home feeling that they would 
like to have stayed another hour, they will look 
forward with interest to the next one. 

Every social should have a leader, whose 
business it is to see that the company is not 
left to take care of itself. The leader must 
start games. Before the evening arrives, she 
must have decided upon the games to be intro- 
duced, so that there may be no "awful pauses." 
If there is to be a literary program, she must 
see that it is not too long. It is not necessary 
to display all the talent in the neighborhood 
the first night. A person with any regard for 
comfort will not go a second time to a place 
where he has once been made nearly wild by 
the seemingly endless attractions which custom 
forbade his fleeing from. 

If it is decided to have a sort of fair, offering 
articles for sale, do not charge twice what they 
are worth, and do not resort to the principle 
or lack of principle of the lottery. Dishonorable 
means are never successful in the long run. 
People object to having their money extorted 



8 SOCIALS 

from them by unfair means, and it is a wonder 
that some of the methods employed by certain 
societies for raising money were not objected 
to long before they were. 

It is not difficult to get articles donated for 
such socials as we have under consideration, 
and they should be sold only at a fair price. 
If care were taken to offer more useful and 
fewer fancy articles, more sales would be made, 
and the aggregate profit increased. 

In the wholesale denunciation of lotteries, 
measures for raising money have sometimes 
been included which really could not be called 
unfair. Suppose, for instance, that a quilt 
were to be disposed of. Tickets are issued and 
every one is exhorted to buy one, with the 
thought that his ticket may contain the lucky 
number and thus he will get a quilt worth several 
dollars for the low price of twenty-five cents. 
That is a lottery. But there is another way to 
dispose of that quilt which is perfectly fair, 
and that is by vote. Good-natured rivalry is 
always a great help to a plan of this sort. Do 
not make the mistake of asking too much for 
the privilege of voting. People know just 
what they are paying their money for, and it is 
legitimate business, and far more amusing, and 
in the end more profitable, than the lottery 
schemes, 



SOCIALS 9 

The writer knows of an instance where a 
ridiculous-looking calico cradle-quilt helped a 
society to many dollars. It had been pieced 
by the pupils in the country school during the 
noon hour. Each of them had a few calico 
scraps, and the cost of the quilt was really 
nothing. 

"What shall be done with it?" asked the 
ladies who were getting up the entertainment. 

They disliked to hurt the feelings of the 
children who had given it, but it really seemed 
worth very little. One suggested a w T ay of 
disposing of it. Two popular young men 
were selected, one of the neighborhood in 
which the fair was held, and one of an adjoin- 
ing neighborhood. The quilt was to be given 
to the young man who was voted to be the 
most popular. The adjoining neighborhood 
was notified, and entered with spirit into the 
good-natured contest. The young men in 
question pleaded their cause ingeniously, and 
that cradle-quilt proved to be the stimulus to 
one of the most profitable evenings the society 
had ever known, and a very pleasant one to all 
concerned. 

It is necessary that the leader know some- 
thing of the company likely to be present. 
Sonietimes people with money are inclined to 
rule because of it, and make themselves obnox- 



io SOCIALS 

ious. If trouble of that sort is feared, it may 
be obviated by limiting the number of votes, 
allowing no one to vote more than the number 
of times agreed upon. Less money may be 
secured in that way, but that will be better 
than to have the extra sum with "ill feelings." 

There are many sociables which are given 
more for the sake of sociability than as a means 
of raising money. They take place at stated 
intervals. A small sum is usually charged for 
admission, including supper, and no devices 
are used for raising money during the evening. 
The supper should be contributed, and the 
amusements be such as might be chosen for 
any social gathering. Among this class of 
socials may be mentioned the Cap Social, 
Basket Social, Necktie and Apron Social, 
Bouquet Social, etc. 

Brief descriptions may be necessary here, 
since there may be some to whom even these 
most common entertainments are new, and to 
whom the ease with which they are gotten up 
will be a consideration. 

For the Cap Social, the ladies each make 
two caps exactly alike, one of which they keep, 
the other being given to the ticket seller. 
When the young man pays his admission fee, 
he receives a cap, which he must put on. The 
fee charged is enough for two in every instance, 



SOCIALS ii 

whether he escorts a lady or not. Ladies do 
not pay, the task of getting the supper and 
making the caps being considered their share. 
The lady, who must not have told what sort of 
cap she has made, dons hers as soon as she enters 
the room, and when the young man finds the 
mate to his cap, he claims the wearer's company 
for the evening. The Bouquet Social is on 
the same plan. 

For the Basket Social, each lady puts into 
a basket a dainty little lunch for two, and tucks 
her card under the napkin which covers it. 
When the young man pays his admission fee, 
or, what is better in this instance, when he pays 
for his supper, he receives a basket, the con- 
tents of which he must share with the owner 
of the card within it. 

At the Necktie and Apron Social, the gentle- 
man receives a necktie when he pays his 
admission fee, which he must put on at once, 
and go in search of a lady having an apron to 
match. These aprons are all made, except 
hemming. Needles and thread are in readiness, 
and the gentlemen are required to hem the 
aprons. When the work is done, the ladies 
decide by vote which gentleman's work is best, 
and he then receives a prize for it. In this 
case, the more comical the prize is, the better. 
A pumpkin pie, baked in the largest dripping- 



12 SOCIALS 

pan in the neighborhood, is usually hailed with 
delight, and so is a popcorn ball as large as a 
water-pail. 

Socials of this sort may be multiplied in- 
definitely. It would be possible to have one 
every week during the winter and not repeat, 
but they would be so nearly alike that they 
would become tiresome. For this reason, a 
few socials will be described, which, though 
requiring more work , will be found far more 
amusing. Some of them have been described 
before, although they are given, here, with 
variations that make them more amusing. 
Many of them were originated by the author, 
who promises that, if they are carried out in 
the right spirit, and gotten up by an energetic 
manager, they will certainly be found worth 
trying. 

One more suggestion : In a society where 
there are several ladies capable of managing, 
each should have an evening assigned her, and 
each will be so anxious to have her social the 
best, that all will be good. 



SOCIALS 13 



C SOCIAL. 

This social gets its name from the manner 
of serving the refreshments. The menu is 
printed on big letter C's, each dish having a 
price attached. Supposing, for instance, that 
the menu reads : "Chopped Chicken, Charming 
Compound, Country Cousins' Comfort, Com- 
mon Cereal, Churned Cream, Creature Cheer, 
Chinese Cordial, Crystal Choice, Choice 
Chiller, Candee Corn, Concealed Cream, Cake;" 
translated it would read : "Chicken salad, potato 
salad, sandwiches, bread, butter, coffee, tea, 
water, lemonade, popcorn, ice cream, cake. " 

The idea is to have everything on the bill 
of fare begin with the letter C, and to disguise 
as much as possible. It is a good idea to put 
toothpicks, sour milk and other delicacies on 
the menu, having them disguised, also. It is 
fun to see the look of surprise which will steal 
over an individual's face when he discovers 
"that he has ordered and paid for what he did 
not want at all. 

Different letters of the alphabet may be used 
and similar socials gotten up. Games must be 
played at these socials, beginning with the 



i 4 SOCTALS 

letter which has been decided upon. At a C 
social, for instance, charades will be in order, 
at a B social, "blind man's buff, " or some game 
beginning with B. 

When the guest pays for his ticket of admis- 
sion, he is allowed to put his hand in a box 
held high over his head and draw a ticket out. 
It will'consist of a letter C, cut from paper 
and peculiarly marked. There must not be 
two C's in the box which are alike, but letters 
exactly like those in the box will be worn by 
the ladies in the room. Then the gentleman 
must find the lady wearing a letter correspond- 
ing to that which he drew, and act as her 
escort during the evening. 



A CRAZY SOCIAL. 

This is quite easily arranged, and may be 
made very funny. It should be gotten up by 
those who are ingenious, and no one should 
know what sort of entertainment to expect. 
Both ladies and gentlemen take part . in it, 
and dress in the craziest manner imaginable. 
It is better if they dress so that it is difficult to 
distinguish sexes. They must be careful, 



SOCIALS 15 

during the whole evening, or before refresh- 
ments are served, not to speak intelligently or 
intelligibly. Those who cannot make use of 
the foreign languages or dialects, should be 
careful to break off in the middle of every 
sentence, beginning on something else of an 
entirely different nature. 

The crazy people repair to the hall at an 
early hcur, and prepare to receive the guests 
as they enter. The more crazy people there are 
crowding around a guest and welcoming him 
in all manner of outlandish gibberish, the more 
honored he should feel! 

When it is certain that all the guests have 
arrived, a sane director must inform the crowd 
that .the lunatics wish to entertain them with 
a few tableaux. A stage should be prepared 
with crazy quilt curtains. The same director 
stands before the curtain and announces the 
subject of the tableaux, which should consist 
of crazy representations of well-known subjects. 
For instance: "The sleeping beauty," should 
be an ugly looking old man with a big stomach 
and a red night-cap, nodding in an arm chair. 
"True love" should be a middle-aged married 
couple of unprepossessing appearance, menacing 
each other with poker and broomstick. "Jewels" 
should be represented by a cross-looking 
mother, surrounded by a number of children 



16 SOCIALS 

of all sizes, and regarding them in a manner 
not indicative of a great amount of love. "The 
old, old story," should be represented by a 
green-looking country boy, making love to a 
frowzy-headed maiden. Both should be bare- 
foot and dressed in the poorest of country 
style. 

Have enough of these tableaux to make part 
of the evening pass pleasantly, but not enough 
to be tiresome. After the tableaux, serve re- 
freshments. These should be served in the 
craziest manner imaginable, by the crazy 
people. Begin by passing toothpicks, for 
instance. Serve pickles in coffee-cups, and 
coffee in bottles. Buy a new dustpan in which 
to pile sandwiches, and have everything as 
unexpected as possible. 

The admission tickets should include refresh- 
ments. 



THE HOLIDAYS. 

Divide the room in which this entertainment 
is to be held into four large booths, which 
must be decorated to represent spring, summer, 
autumn and winter. These booths can be 



SOCIALS 17 

separated from the rest of the room and from 
each other by sheets arranged in graceful folds. 
It is a good plan to have a booth in each 
corner of the room, and they may be easily 
arranged in that way by hanging curtains from 
long poles, fastened across the corners. 

In spring, there is but one holiday — 
Memorial Day. Trim this booth with flags, 
spring flowers and crape. Have little girls 
dressed to represent the spring months, stand- 
ing by a table on which are glasses, and pitchers 
of sweet milk, which they sell for five cents a 
glass. They must also have tiny bouquets of 
violets and other flowers for sale, if they can 
possibly be procured. Soldiers should also be 
in attendance at this booth, with ladies dressed 
in white, with graceful draperies of flags and 
crape. They are to offer for sale sheet-music, 
which has been decorated and donated, and all 
sorts of funny articles, representing musical 
instruments, and of beautiful articles found 
useful by musical people. 

Summer has also one holiday — the Fourth 
of July. All the bunting that can be begged 
or borrowed for the occasion should be dis- 
played here. A few hundred of fire-crackers 
for sale would make it more realistic, and 
would not come amiss to the boys at any season. 



18 SOCIALS 

If there are not many ladies in the society, 
this booth may be taken charge of only by 
Columbia ; but, if there are a number to be 
made useful, Columbia should be assisted by 
five ladies,representing the Northern, Southern, 
Eastern, Western and Middle States. These 
ladies must act and be dressed to represent 
the peculiarities of the region which they 
represent. In this booth, ice cream, confec- 
tionery, lemonade and cake should be sold. 

In autumn we have Thanksgiving Day. This 
booth should be decorated with autumn leaves, 
dried grasses, pressed ferns, wheat, oats, corn, 
sumach, golden-rod and various farm products. 

An entire family, grandfather, grandmother, 
wife, husband, grown-up daughter and son, 
and younger son may preside here. This 
should be a very busy booth. All sorts of 
useful things may be for sale — pies, nuts, 
fruits, cake, everything which the enterprising 
members of the society can get contributed. 

There should also be aprons, ironing and 
stove holders, and many such useful things 
for sale here. 

The great trouble with fairs of this sort is 
that fancy articles only are offered for sale, and 
few people can afford to buy such things at 
the exorbitant prices which are usually charged, 
even when they knew that the money is to be 



SOCIALS 19 

used for the most charitable of purposes. 

Winter is decorated with evergreen and 
bitter-sweet on the whitest of draperies. In this 
booth Christmas, New Year's and Washington's 
birthday are to be represented, so it must be 
ver}' large. 

Three men are dressed to represent Santa 
Claus, Father Time and Washington. Santa 
Claus and his wife have a Christmas tree from 
which bags of candy, fruit and all sorts of 
fancy articles are sold. Father and Mother 
Time sell tiny scythes, hour-glasses, fancy 
calendars, birthday cards and book-marks, 
decorated appropriately. 

George and Martha Washington sell such 
edibles as have not been provided for at the 
other tables ; for the fun of this fair is that the 
guests must get their supper by traveling from 
booth to booth. 

A small entrance fee should be charged, for 
this fair entails so much work, and is so attrac- 
tive that it is worth paying to see by those 
who do not care to purchase many of the 
commodities offered. 



20 SOCIALS 



THE WEEK. 

This entertainment has been tried a number 
of times and always so successfully that it is 
worthy of a place here. It is especially 
adapted to societies having little money and 
time to devote to such things. 

Six booths are arranged around the sides of 
the room, one for each work-day of the week. 
Monday's booth contains washtubs, clothes- 
pins, etc., and Monday's girls, dressed in 
washerwomen's suits, sell clothes-pin bags, 
kitchen aprons, and soap, if they can get it 
contributed. A Chinaman, assisting about the 
washing, will be an attraction if some one can 
be found who can act the part well. 

Tuesday is ironing day, and the booth must 
be arranged with that in mind. Tuesday's 
girls wear long white aprons and white caps, 
and are assisted by a burly negress. They sell 
ironing holders, bosom boards, long white 
ironing aprons, caps, and toy flat-irons gilded 
and painted for paper-weights. 

Wednesday is mending day. The booth is 
trimmed to represent a mending bureau, and is 
presided over by girls dressed to represent 



SOCIALS • 21 

feeble grandmothers. All around the booth are 
hung appropriate mottoes, advertising the fact 
that mending is done here in the most approved 
style. A souvenir is in full view which is to 
be given to the old lady who receives the most 
votes from the admiring public, who pay five 
cents for the privilege of voting. Each of the 
grandmothers must be busily engaged in 
mending, while the little old man who receives 
money for the votes tells of the good qualities 
of each. 

Thursday is reception day. The booth must 
represent an elegant parlor or reception-room, 
and be presided over by two or three ladies in 
handsome evening costumes. One or two 
young men are present, dressed as darky 
waiters, and if the guests wish refreshments 
enough to pay for them, the waiters help the 
elegant ladies to supply them with chocolate, 
ice cream and lemonade. 

Friday is sweeping and dusting day. Neat 
handmaids are busy cleaning up, and also 
waiting on customers who want dusters, dust- 
bags and dusting caps, etc. A big ragbag 
hangs at one side of the front of the booth, 
which is filled with trifles that have been made 
for the purpose, and by paying a certain sum 
any one is allowed to reach in and take one 
article. 



22 SOCIALS 

Saturday is devoted to baking and churning, 
and fat cooks are busy at work. It adds to the 
interest to have a gasoline stove in this room, 
so that the customers can be provided with 
hot coffee and biscuits. Cold meats, dough- 
nuts, buttermilk, ginger-bread, tarts, etc. 
should also be furnished. 

This style of serving refreshments is less 
trouble than when tables are set, and is usually 
more remunerative The evening may be 
ended with a literary entertainment. 



PINK TEA, BROWN TEA, ETC. 

Socials of this sort are very easily arranged, 
and are quite common. However, since they 
may be new to some, a short description of 
them will not be out of place here. If a pink 
tea is decided upon, trim the room with pink, 
have pink lamp-shades, pink tableclothes, pink 
calico napkins, pink lemonade, ice cream and 
cake, pink flowers on the table, and several 
pretty girls for waiters, dressed in pink calico 
dresses. The decorations must always accord 
with the name of the social. At the conclusion 
of the meal place the waiters behind a curtain, 



SOCIALS 23 

with only their feet in view, and auctioneer 
them off to charitably inclined young men, who 
will buy a supper for them. A good auctioneer 
will get a great deal of fun out of this part of 
the entertainment. Before the successful 
bidder is introduced to the lady of his choice, 
he must tell whom he imagines he has secured, 
and if he fails to guess correctly, he must pay 
a fine of five cents. If, however, his guess is 
correct, the lady must pay the fine. Another 
amusing plan, is for him to have her weighed, 
on scales provided for the purpose, and pay one 
cent for every pound over one hundred. When 
a gentleman has bid on a pair of small feet, he 
is often surprised to find out what an expensive 
bargain he thus secured. 



PHANTOM SOCIAL. 

This social, if well carried out, furnishes a 
great deal of amusement. The room in which it 
is held is draped in white, and the lamps are 
covered with white shades lined with blue, which 
throw a ghastly light around the room. Solemn 
music should be heard as if at a distance. Ghosts 
in long, white robes and masks flit noiselessly 



24 SOCIALS 

around the room, attending to the wants of the 
guests, but speaking no word, except an occa- 
sional "sh-h-h !" when there is too much noise. 
When one ghost begins "sh-h-h," all the rest 
must join in. 

Each ghost is marked with a letter pasted to 
the tall, white head-dress just above the eyes. 
The guests pay five cents for the privilege of 
guessing the names of the wearers of the different 
letters, and the ghost who best conceals his iden- 
tity is presented with a gift which has been pro- 
vided for the purpose. 

The best way to conduct the guessing is as fol- 
lows: Provide long strips of cardboard, and 
head each strip with one of the letters worn by 
the ghost. The guesser pays his money to the 
"card tender," and writes the name of the person 
who, he thinks, is wearing the letter. If it be 
thought best to keep the guesses a secret until 
the last, put the letters at the bottom of the 
cardboard or strips of paper, and write the name 
at the top, doubling the paper over as soon as 
the name is written, so that it cannot be seen by 
the next guesser. 

A. letter-box is also provided and any one, by 
paying postage, may receive a letter from one of 
the ghosts, or send one to a favorite by addressing 
it to the letter worn on the head-dress. Stationery 
must be for sale, since no one will come prepared 



SOCIALS 25 

to write a letter; the guests are to know no more 
about what sort of an entertainment they may 
expect than is indicated by the name "Phantom 
Social." 

The table should be set with plain white dish- 
es and ornamented with white flowers. Frosted 
cakes, frosted pies, dainty, white sandwiches, 
made with white meat, glasses of milk, Boston 
crackers, frosted cookies, and ice-cream, may be 
provided, and should be served as unexpectedly 
as possible by the ghosts who silently wait upon 
the guests. When the refreshments have been 
served the company is informed by the manager, 
who has been previously instructed, that the 
ghosts will hold a seance, and that they wish 
everybody to keep perfectly quiet. 

The medium has the most difficult part in the 
social, and should study it well before the even- 
ing arrives when he is to play it. 

A cabinet is arranged in imitation of those 
used by spiritualists, and the room is made still 
more ghostly. A little bell is tapped, and a 
ghost appears who goes through some outland- 
ish motions which the medium is supposed to in- 
terpret with perfect ease, and which he after- 
wards translates for the benefit of the audience. 
It is evident that the more absurd the statements 
made by the medium, the better they will be re- 
ceived. The ghosts may act parts at this time 



26 SOCIALS 

with very good success. A man dressed in long 
white robes and singing in a whisper, while as- 
suming the attitude of a prima donna, is as com- 
ical as it may be misleading. During the seance 
the ghosts must endeavor to conceal their iden- 
tity, for after it, the company will be sure that 
they can guess correctly, and the guessing will 
be livelier than before. 

When interest declines the ghosts may unmask, 
and the entertainment be ended. 



MOTHER GOOSE SOCIAL. 

To have this social a success it is necessary 
that some of the members of the society be mu- 
sically inclined. Select the tallest one, who will 
probably be a man, for Mother Goose, and dress 
him up as that lady is usually represented in the 
children's picture books. Mother Goose will 
have charge of the whole entertainment. The 
guests will be received at the door by "Old 
Mother Hubbard," "Jack Spratt," "Old King 
Cole," and other well known characters and sol- 
emnly conducted to Mother Goose, who sits on 
a throne at the farther end of the room near the 
stage, and receives them with becoming dignity. 



SOCIALS 27 

When the guests are all admitted and have 
had an opportunity for social discourse, Mother 
Goose calls them to order. She must hold in 
her hand a staff made to represent a huge quill 
pen. The stage director must be out of sight of 
the audience but where he can easily see Mother 
Goose. She waves her wand or pen and seems 
to be writing in the air for a moment, then calls: 

"Old Mother Hubbard, I wish to see thee." 
Immediately the curtain rises and the singers are 
seen standing at the back of the stage. They 
sing the words of "Old Mother Hubbard," which 
have been set to operatic music, and as they sing 
the old lady and her dog perform in pantomime 
on the stage in front of the singers. With a lit- 
tle trouble a dog can be trained to do wonder- 
fully well, but a boy dressed to represent a dog 
will make quite as much if not more fun. 

One who has never heard Mother Goose 
rhymes sung to operatic music can have no idea 
how entertaining they can be made. Such vari- 
ations may be introduced as will show the best 
points in each of the different voices. Care must 
be used to have the music of a style that will best 
fit the words, or it will not be effective. Well known 
operatic tunes may be used, and words of the 
rhyme repeated if necessary to fill in the measure. 
Madrigals may be procured at leading book- 
stores at a trifling cost which will be useful to 



28 SOCIALS 

those not inventive enough to arrange their own 
music. 

It is not necessary to serve refreshments with 
an entertainment of this sort, as it will be in itself 
well worth as high a price of admission as is wise 
to charge in most localities. If a society boasts 
no singers, Mother Goose tableaux are nearly if 
not quite as effective. 



OLD GRIMES' PLASTER O' PARIS 
FIGGERS. 

The entertainment suggested by this title is 
one of the best for the purpose of raising money. 
It can usually be given a second or third time 
with profit, and can be made entertaining though 
there may be but few to take part in it. It is 
similar to "Madam Jarley's wax- works," which, 
however, have become so common now that they 
no longer attract a crowd. 

Make a little platform, with strong casters 
under it, for the "figger" to stand on. It should 
roll easily. The person who is to be the "Ag- 
ger" called for steps on it, stands stiffly, and is 
rolled to the front of the stage. The "riggers" 
not on the stage should be concealed behind a 
curtain, where they can make necessary changes 



SOCIALS 29 

in costume, if they are to be seen in more than 
one character. 

Old Grimes should be a comical old fellow, 
capable of saying funny things in a most serious 
manner. His speech should be written and 
committed to memory. He should have an 
assistant resembling a gawky boy just from the 
untutored districts, whose awkwardness can 
hardly be equalled. His duty is to wheel out 
the figure called for and to twist its arms, head, 
fingers and body into the proper positions. Old 
Grimes should not make too long a speech about 
the figure before him, as it would be tiring not 
only to the one taking the part but also to the 
audience. The more local hits he can introduce 
without being coarse, the better. He might 
begin something in this style: 

"Ladies and gentlemen: It is not necessary 
for me to thank you for your presence here this 
evening, since you are here for your own good. 
You are uncultured, uncivilized and savage. At 
present, you know nothing of art. Your minds 
are as innocent of all knowledge on that subject 
as a baby's is of the rules of base ball, or as my 
good man Friday's is of anything but art. That 
boy (pointing to his assistant, who must look as 
awkward and idiotic as possible) was brought up 
on art. He has eaten it, drunk it, slept with it. 
There is nothing else in which he has taken the 



3o SOCIALS 

slightest interest. He knows nothing else. He 
is art itself, and when you leave this room, 
ladies and gentlemen, you will be more like him 
—much more like him than you are now. It is 
a change greatly to be desired. Too long have 
you lived in ignorance; too long have you been 
blinded to the beauties of nature; too long — but 
I look into your unappreciative faces, and the 
words die on my tongue. 

"Friday! roll the old soldier this way. This 
man (bowing to the figure of the old soldier who 
has been rolled toward him), was one of a rare 
species, and it would make a long book were I 
to write my adventures when I set out to cap- 
ture him. He is an old soldier who died trying 
to get a pension. Twenty- two of the best years 
of his life were bravely spent in the effort. No 
stone was left unturned. Six doctors were em- 
ployed, each of whom declared that he was suf- 
fering from a disease contracted in the army, 
and each doctor was thoughtful enough to men- 
tion a different disease. Lawyers offered their 
services, were refused, and charged bloated fees 
for heeding the refusal. The friends of this man 
are sure that if he had lived a few years longer he 
would have been successful in his life-work and 
got at least ten dollars a month as a reward for 
his efforts. His plea was that he ought to 
have the pension because he deserved it more 



SOCIALS 31 

than other old soldiers did. He nearly died in 
the army. His substitute was killed instantly 
while trying to get behind a tree. Friday! take 
him away, and lean him up against the picture 
of the pension office where he will feel at home, 
then bring out the lady book-agent. 

"This, ladies and gentlemen, was one of the 
most exasperating of that most exasperating 
class of humanity — female book-agents. She 
was a terror to all who met her, and the man who 
succeeded in evading her, hugged himself with 
pure delight and innocently hoped that his enemy 
might not be so successful. Look at that cheek! 
There is no money that would induce me to strike 
it without well-padded knuckles, unless I felt char- 
itably inclined and wanted to give w T ork to my 
brother, the surgeon, who is an orphan and has 
only me to practice on. There is brass in that 
cheek, ladies and gentlemen; that is what caused 
her death. A highway robber wanted it, that he 
might fit himself out for a real estate agent. 
Take her away, Friday, and bring in the man 
who always asked, 'How does this weather suit 
you?' 

"Ladies and gentlemen, is there one among 
you who has not seen a specimen like this? Look 
at his eyes, turned vacantly toward you! Fri- 
day, turn the screw in his back a little more; his 
eyes are rolled too high. The man who wants 



32 SOCIALS 

to know how this weather suits you, never looks 
in the sky to see what to-morrow will bring forth. 
He doesn't care. His conversation is so cut that 
it will fit to-morrow's weather quite as well as 
to-day's. I've wanted to kill this man a great 
many times, especially when the thermometer 
was up in the nineties or forty below zero; or 
when there was a smart shower and I had on my 
best hat, and my neighbor had my umbrella; or 
when there was a strong wind and I had a con- 
tract to escort a two-hundred-pound woman 
along a slippery sidewalk. This man died of 
a sunstroke. His curiosity had impelled him to 
stand for hours in the blazing sun, to find 
out if others suffered with the heat as much as 
he did. His last words were, 'How does this — 
friends, put me on ice!' Friday, put him in the 
ice-box again, and bring out the girl who died 
chewing gum." 

It will not be necessary to give more of Old 
Grimes' talk, since the above is sufficient to show 
how easily it may be written and committed. Do 
not be afraid to be silly. There are few -audiences 
that do not appreciate just such nonsense occa- 
sionally. 

The number of characters which may be rep- 
resented need be limited only by the time to be 
filled, for they are endless. "The Politician," 
"Dame Grundy," "Dame Fashion," "The man 



SOCIALS 33 

who never fell in love/' The girl who never had 
a chance to marry/' "The woman suffragist/' 
any character which can be dressed to look the 
part and of which something ridiculous can be 
said will do. 

Much of the fun is made by "Friday," who 
must be always busy bending the figures into sat- 
isfactory positions, and by the figures themselves 
who are very obedient. It will take a little prac- 
tice to bend an arm as stiffly as if made of wood, 
and hold it in the exact position in which it is 
placed, but it can be done so as to prove mirth- 
provoking to the most solemn audience. 



THE AUTHOR'S SOCIAL. 

The author's social requires considerable pre- 
paration, but is very entertaining, not only to 
those who wish simply to be amused, but to 
those who prefer to have a little instruction with 
their amusement. 

A stage should be arranged and the company 
shown to seats as soon as they arrive. A few 
well-known authors should be personated by the 
people in the neighborhood. Dickens, Tenny- 
son, Longfellow, Mark Twain, Bill Nye, Josiah 



34 SOCIALS 

Allen's wife, Amelia Rives, and Elizabeth 
Stuart Phelps, would make a good company. 

When the curtain rises the company must see 
these notable people sitting on the stage, which 
is arranged to represent a parlor, engaged in 
conversation. The actors must make themselves 
up to look as nearly as possible like the authors 
whom they personate, and they must know 
enough of them to make use of some of their 
most interesting characteristics. The dialogue 
should be prepared and committed to memory. 
This may seem a difficult task to many, but it 
is not if begun aright. 

First, decide upon the authors to be person- 
ated and then assign the parts. Time is then al- 
lowed for study, and a meeting appointed to take 
place at the end of that time. 

During the interval for study each reads, care- 
full)', the biography or all the items he can find 
of the author whom he is to personate, making 
a note of everything that seems to be of interest. 
When the meeting takes place, there will be 
found ten times as much material as can be used, 
and then the work is to select and arrange. 

If there is a funny incident in the life of one 
author, another tells it as a good joke on him. If 
one has acted in a heroic manner, he modestly 
leaves the room on some pretense, and it is told 
of him. This can be made more real by some 



SOCIALS 35 

one criticizing him sharply when he steps out, 
and another defending him and telling the heroic 
incident by way of proof. If possible, the criti- 
cism should come from the author who in life 
would have been most likely to be unkindly criti- 
cal, and the defense from the one who was known 
as charitable. 

In such a company as has been mentioned, for 
instance, "Amelia Rives" would tell the senti- 
mental stories, ' 'Dickens" those which were pathe- 
tic, while "Bill Nye" or "Mark Twain" would 
be supposed to best enjoy the jokes. 

If there are any good readers among the "au- 
thors," the rest of them should be very anxious 
to hear them read something which they have 
written, and a song or two may be introduced in 
the same way. 

Make the conversations natural and lively, and 
learn them well. It will require a number of 
rehearsals, but will pay for the trouble. 

Those most interested in getting up this social 
must consider whether their audience will be 
likely to be composed of people who will best 
enjoy a whole evening devoted to the authors, or 
whether a shorter time will be sufficient. In the 
latter case, have simple refreshments, followed 
by general conversation or games. 

Do not think because the literary entertain- 
ment is good and ought to be liked, that it must 



36 SOCIALS 

and shall be. If you are in doubt, make the 
audience slightly acquainted with "the authors" 
the first evening, and then lead off in games pre- 
viously decided upon. If they want more of 
"the authors'" you will soon know it, and you 
can gratify them at the next social. 



QUAKER SOCIAL. 

It is of the utmost importance that nothing 
but the name be known until the evening on 
which this social takes place. Tickets must be 
printed for it, bearing the word "Silence !" on 
one side, and on the other, "Who speaks or 
laughs aloud before refreshments must pay a fine 
of five cents." 

Not more than half a dozen persons should 
take part in arranging this social, and these have 
the privilege of talking all they please, and 
should do all in their power to make the com- 
pany laugh or talk aloud. They must carry a 
bell and a little silk bag around with them. 
When they have succeeded in outwitting a vic- 
tim, they call attention to the fact by ringing the 
bell; then collect the fine and drop it into the 
bag. . The more grotesque their attire, the bet- 
ter they will succeed. 



SOCIALS 37 

They may ask questions of the different mem- 
bers of the company, who have a right to answer 
in a whisper, but who will find it very difficult 
to carry on a long conversation in that way with 
one who is talking aloud. Try it at home, and 
see for yourself how hard it is, and how very 
ridiculous. A crowd of whispering people, who 
are vainly trying to keep from laughing aloud, 
will tempt the risibilities of the most sedate, es- 
pecially if he is trying to whisper replies to a 
questioner whose appearance alone is enough to 
excite laughter. 

The silence may be broken just before serving 
refreshments, or not until they have been cleared 
away, as the leader decides, 



TOYLAND SOCIAL, 

In this social the little folks play an important 
part, which makes it all the more attractive to 
many. The room in which it is to be held is 
divided into booths, each presided over by one 
or more children. One booth bears over the 
arched doorway the words <:The Dolls' Palace,." 
in letters of evergreen on a white ground. It con- 
tains dolls of all sizes and kinds, and in all sorts 



38 SOCIALS 

of conditions. Every little girl in the neighbor- 
hood must lend her doll, dressed in its prettiest 
costume, with its name plainly written on one side 
of a card, which is fastened around its neck, and 
its mamma's name on the other side. These dolls 
should be grouped as picturesque^ as possible. 
A representation of the old woman who lived in a 
shoe will dispose of a number of them. A group 
composed of a mamma-doll, with her children 
and their nurse, may be made very attractive. A 
lovely little picnic scene may be made by placing 
a mirror in the center of a large flat box filled 
with sand to represent a lake, with bushes around 
it to look like trees. Put a little boat on the 
lake with two dolls in it. Other dolls should be 
seated around a picnic table, or reclining under 
the trees. Some must be swinging in hammocks 
or in swings made of heavy cord. It is surpris- 
ing how pretty such a scene as this may be made. 
Then there must be a Bluebeard's closet with 
the dolls hanging close together, and the new 
wife looking in at them. Some of the dolls should 
be arranged in a series of pictures illustrating 
the story of Cinderella. 

Besides the dolls on exhibition, there should 
be a table filled with dolls' costumes for sale, 
and one young lady doll with a trunk full of 
clothes to* be given to the little girl in the room 
who receives the most votes. Knitted dolls and 



SOCIALS 39 

large rag dolls nearly always sell well at such 
places, and cost little more than the time required 
to make and dress them; and there are usually 
many benevolent ladies who would like to help 
in such enterprises but have little money and who 
would be glad to make something salable. 

Another booth may be devoted to toy animals, 
and should be presided over by little boys.' 
These animals may be arranged quite as artisti- 
cally as the dolls. Have some of the domestic 
animals tied under straw sheds. A "Noah's 
Ark" will naturally suggest itself, and many shab- 
by looking animals may be looking out of the 
windows, or gathered around the door. 

Another quite different picture is to have a 
white cloth arranged like a circus tent with the 
sides rolled up, and the animals placed as if 
going through a grand march underneath it. 
This booth should be guarded by large animals, 
one on either side of the entrance. Over the 
entrance have the inscription, "Home for Ani- 
mals." 

A table should be filled with toy animals for 
sale, and a rocking-horse or some other toy may 
be given to the boy in the room receiving the 
most votes. 

There should be two other booths, each pre- 
sided over by both boys and girls. One should 
be devoted to cupboards, tables, wagons, scroll- 



4 o SOCIALS 

saws, and all sorts of furnishings for a house, 
farm or workshop. On a table have articles 
which the children have made without help. 
Prizes should be awarded the makers of the two 
articles receiving the most votes as showing the 
greatest amount of skill and ingenuity. 

The other booth should contain miscellaneous 
toys, and other miscellaneous toys should be for 
sale. Prizes may or may not be given here. 

Little children, dressed as picturesquely as 
possible, should serve refreshments, and must 
be carefully trained beforehand. 

This is a very old entertainment, but it can be 
given once in every neighborhood most success- 
fully. 



A DICKENS SOCIAL, 

This social requires a great deal of preparation 
and should not be undertaken unless the leader 
is a lover of Dickens and well acquainted with 
his works. The entire evening should be given 
to the entertainment; refreshments are not nec- 
essary. An admission fee should be charged, 
and the company seated as soon as they arrive. 
To make this successful, quite a number of per- 



SOCIALS 41 

sons must take part in it. When the curtain 
rises all the characters should begin a slow march 
around the stage, singing as they go. The char- 
acters represented should be those which are 
best known. When the opening song is fin- 
ished, they may all leave the stage at once, or a 
part may leave and a few remain as a support to 
the one who is to entertain the audience for the 
time. The latter method is the best, when the 
actor is not sufficiently skillful to amuse the 
crowd alone. Suppose, for instance, that after 
the song the entertainment is to begin with a 
recitation by "Little Nell." While she is recit- 
ing her part Micawber, at the back of the stage, 
may be busy at the blackboard, writing 
"From 
"The 

"Beggared Outcast, 
"Wilkins Micawber." 
Or he may seat himself comfortably in an arm 
chair, "settle his chin in his shirt collar/' take 
the twins on his lap and appear to be enjoying 
an animated conversation with Copperfield, 
while Mrs. Micawber hovers near, alternately 
weeping on her husband's neck and smiling at 
Copperfield. In a few moments the Micawber 
family should make a characteristic exit, and 
then Dora may appear with her dog. She seats 
herself on Copperfield's knee and insists (in pan- 



42 SOCIALS 

tomime) on his kissing the dog; then, while he 
endeavors to cast up a column of figures in a lit- 
tle note-book, she makes marks down his nose with 
a lead pencil. 

No word should be spoken by the parties on 
the back of the stage while the recitation is in 
progress. As soon as it is concluded, the grand- 
father should come in and lead Little Nell off 
the stage. Then Dora and Copperfield should 
enter into a natural conversation. It would be 
delightful just here to have Traddles enter the 
room, and then the three could enact the supper 
scene, where Dora informs her husband tbat she 
has bought a barrel of oysters, because the man 
said they were very good. The scene after Trad- 
dles takes his departure should also be enacted. 
Then, arm in arm, Dora and Copperfield leave 
the stage at one end as some other well-known 
character, Pickwick, for instance, or Gradgrind, 
comes on at the opposite end. 

To make this social successful, only the best 
known characters should be personated and the 
scenes between the characters should not be so 
long as to be tiresome. When there are recita- 
tions with tableaux at the end of the stage, the 
characters from the different tableaux should 
always be from the same story, and of such a 
kind that they do not divert the attention of the 
audience too much from the speaker. 



SOCIALS 43 

The recitations should be resorted to only as a 
sort of link between the short dialogues. The 
curtain should not fall during the evening, and 
at no time should all of the characters be off the 
stage. 

Another way to get up a Dickens social is to 
personate only the characters in one story during 
an evening. The entertainment should consist 
of a succession of dialogues and tableaux. When 
the dialogue is finished, a good reader imme- 
diately begins reading the scene which is to be 
represented in the tableau which is being ar- 
ranged behind the curtain. Of course these tab- 
leaux and dialogues must follow the order of the 
story. 

If there are a few who are musically inclined, 
the entertainment may close with a farce. Vers- 
es which will fit some popular tune should be 
written in a style to introduce the singer to the 
audience. For instance, a large man, dressed 
in a short white dress and sunbonnet, should 
sing a verse informing the audience that he is 
"Little Nell.'' If he acts his part well, nothing 
could be more mirth-provoking. Pickwick might 
be represented by a schoolboy with patched trous- 
ers, gingham apron, and bare feet. There may 
be as many verses to the song as there are sing- 
ers in the society. All should stand on the stage 
together, and after every verse join in a rollick- 



44 SOCIALS 

ing chorus. The audience will be interested in 
trying to guess by what names the different in- 
dividuals before them will introduce themselves. 



MUM SOCIAL. 

The expression "quiet as a mum social" is 
common, but should you ask those who make 
use of it to describe the "mum social," few of 
them would be able to comply, and perhaps not 
one in a hundred could get one up. If success- 
fully carried through, they are very enjoyable. 
There are many ways of planning such a social, 
but the method given below, though not well 
known, has been so successful that it should be 
given wider circulation. 

From the time the company enters the room, 
not a word should be spoken until refreshments 
are served. The only method of expression that 
can be allowed is by pantomime, and every time 
an individual breaks this rule he must pay a fine 
of five cents. He also pays for his admission 
ticket, which includes refreshments. 

To make the time pass pleasantly before the 
hour for refreshments, a stage is provided on 
which certain persons are required to make a 



SOCIALS 45 

speech in pantomime. A large bulletin board at 
one end of the stage contains the ^program. 
There is to be no curtain before the stage, for all 
preparations are to be seen by the audience. A 
table in the center of the stage holds a large 
bell. 

Suppose that the first number of the program 
calls for a speech on war, by "Gen. Grant Har- 
ris." The young man who gives the lecture 
steps forward on the stage and rings the bell, to 
call the attention of the audience; then he pro- 
ceeds with his "lecture," which of course must 
have been well practiced in private. If he dis- 
covers that he needs swords, clothing or any- 
thing, he must bring them all on the stage with 
him, and lay them where they will be convenient. 
It will amuse the audience to try to guess what 
he means to do with them. For instance, he 
may first be the peaceful citizen, sitting in his 
comfortable arm chair, wearing dressing-gown, 
slippers, and smoking-cap, and smoking while he 
lazily reads a newspaper. Suddenly, his face 
changes expression; he sits bolt upright, and 
with his mouth half-open gazes intently at the 
paper for a moment; then turns it around, and 
the audience reads in large letters "War with 
England ! ! Recruits wanted." 

He gets up, throws off his dressing-gown and 
puts on his coat; then strides swiftly to the other 



46 SOCIALS 

side of the stage, where he seems to be talking 
earnestly. Then he pulls off his coat, puts on a 
soldier-coat and cap, picks up a musket and 
knapsack and starts for the war, passing the 
chair in the center of the stage where he first sat 
and over which he has thrown his dressing-gown. 
La}dng this aside, he spreads over the chair a 
woman's dress, a shawl, and sunbonnet. Then 
comes a very affecting scene, as the soldier bids 
good-bye to loved ones at home. Next he 
marches to the back of the stage, discharges his 
musket a few times in quick succession, and falls 
wounded. After lying a moment he drags him- 
self home, with a piece of flag tied around his 
wounded leg and one coat-sleeve empty. This may 
end the picture, or it may be carried out by the 
soldier at the pension office. Then the actor 
picks up his traps and leaves the stage. 

The audience are not required to be seated 
during this performance. Better not be, for the 
silent lecturers do not follow each other in quick 
succession. The company is given opportunity 
between times for pantomimic gossiping, and 
need not turn its attention to the stage until 
warned by the ringing of the bell that another 
lecture is to be given. 

The funnier these lectures can be made the 
better; for the object is not only to amuse but 



SOCIALS 47 

to provoke some among them to laugh aloud, or 
to speak, that they may be fined. 

Among the many good subjects for lectures are: 
"Politics," "The Girl in Love," "The Boy in 
Love," "Jealousy," "Woman's Rights," and 
"Looking Backward." 

Do not allow the lecturer to have any assist- 
ants; if more than one person is on the stage the 
entertainment would be a pantomimic show, in- 
stead of a lecture, and the audience would lose 
the fun of watching a man or woman trying to 
make a speech without saying a word. # 



LAW SOCIAL. 

This social is very easily arranged, requiring 
little time and study and no expenditure of money, 
unless for refreshments. It is so amusing that 
it may be repeated often with profit. Several 
days before the evening on which it is to be 
held, announcements something as follows should 
be placed where they will attract attention. 

" Take Notice." 

"Next Friday evening, Mr. Foxyface will be 
tried before Judge Know-it-all for stealing a cam- 



48 SOCIALS 

brie needle from Miss Dainty Fingers. Friends 
of both parties are invited to be present, and 
each should bring thirty cents which will pay for 
admission and refreshments, as well as for the 
privilege of listening to the eloquent lawyers, 
Mr. Long-tongue, attorney for the State, and 
Mr. Gas, attorney for defendant." 

The social will be more successful if the man- 
agers know how to keep a secret. No one should 
be allowed to know the real names of the par- 
ties, and all will be curious to find out who take 
ihe different parts. The sillier the cause of dis- 
pute, the more fun it will make. The witnesses 
should be chosen from the crowd, as the an- 
swers which have not been studied are usually 
the most mirth-provoking. There is no commu- 
nity but boasts at least one citizen who has some 
knowledge of law business and can give even 
unskilled "attorneys" enough pointers to enable 
them to conduct a law suit in a manner entirely 
satisfactory to the audience. 

A few directions may assist those who have 
seldom seen a court room. 

A very high desk should be provided for the 
judge, who of course will be dressed in a long 
gown, and have a gavel in his hand with which 
to pound the desk when he wishes to call the 
meeting to order. A table is provided for the 
attorneys, who sit opposite each other, with 



SOCIALS 49 

their clients near them. The Judge -calls the 

case by saying, for instance: "State of 

against Dr. L. Foxyface." The indictment is 
read by the Clerk. This indictment may be 
made very funny, if there is some one in the 
community having a little ingenuity, but is good 
if copied directly from a law book. 

After the indictment is read, the prisoner is 
asked whether he pleads guilty or not guilty, 
then the prosecuting attorney arises and in a 
shoit speech tells what he expects to prove 
against the defendant. Next he calls one of his 
witnesses, and questions him, wording his ques- 
tions in such a way as to draw out such answers 
as will help his side. There will be a great deal 
of fun in this, as the witnesses do not know until 
called upon that they are to take any part in the 
affair, and are quite likely to answer in a way to 
greatly embarrass the one whom they are sup- 
posed to help. As soon as the attorney says he 
is through with a witness, the other attorney 
cross-examines him. 

When the prosecuting attorney has exhausted 
his list of witnesses, the attorney for the defend- 
ant makes a little speech giving his views of the 
case and telling what he expects to prove, and 
then calls the witnesses for the defense. It is 
best to limit the number of witnesses, and to 
have a list of them before the trial begins. 



50 SOCIALS 

When all the witnesses have been examined, 
the attorneys make short speeches, and the 
Judge announces his decision in a funny little 
speech. Then refreshments are served. If the 
trial is quite long and interesting, it is a good 
plan to serve the refreshments as soon as the 
prosecuting attorney is through with his wit- 
nesses, continuing the law suit afterwards. 



FASHION SOCIAL. 

This is a very good entertainment for societies 
whose members possess a little wealth and leis- 
ure, and the means of obtaining correct ideas of 
the different styles of dress for men and women 
as far back as desirable. A stage must be pro- 
vided for the performance but there will be no 
need of curtains. The guests are seated as soon 
as they enter the room. At the appointed time 
the manager calls them to order, and the lady 
and gentleman who are dressed in the most 
ancient style come upon the stage. The mana- 
ger introduces them by mentioning the most 
noteworthy of the years during which their style 
of dress was popular; for instance: "Ladies and 
gentlemen, allow me to introduce Fourteen-hun- 
dred-ninety-two and lady." 



SOCIALS 51 

The couple bow to the audience, then the gen- 
tleman seats his companion near the front of the 
stage, and they enter into conversation. This 
conversation must previously have been written, 
committed to memory and rehearsed, and so 
arranged as to give a good idea of the most 
important events of the period represented. The 
conversations should be as different in stvle as 
possible. One of the gentlemen may be a brag- 
gart, and assume that he did all the great things 
while some rival did the meaner ones, and it will 
be very funny if he gives this rival the name of 
one well Known in the audience as his intimate 
friend. 

Another gentleman may be proposing marri- 
age to his companion, and pretend to hope to 
win her consent by telling her of the great things 
done by her family. Discoveries, battles, inven : 
tions, important books written, great pictures 
painted, — everything of that sort may be men- 
tioned, and the narrator need not hesitate to rep- 
resent himself as doing the deeds done by many 
different men, in many different countries. All 
he has to do is to say: "When I was in Spain, 
I did so and so;" or, "While my father was dis- 
covering America, my brother was," etc. 

It does not require great literary ability to 
write a very good conversation when one has de- 
cided upon the facts which he wishes to make 



52 SOCIALS 

use of. The lady mentions the achievements of 
women, and may also tell of some of the difficul- 
ties by which she is surrounded. 

The more original these short dialogues are 
the better they will be appreciated. As soon as 
one couple has finished speaking they will walk 
to the back of the stage where they sit to listen 
to the conversation of the next couple. All the 
ab surdities of the fashions of the dates as se- 
lected should be made use of, and even the style 
of dressing the hair should be faithfully repre- 
sented. 

When all are on the stage, they should march 
slowly around a few times that their costumes 
may be examined, and comparisons made be- 
tween to-day and the long line of yesterdays; 
then the actors leave the stage and serve refresh- 
ments, after which there is a little social chat be- 
fore breaking up. 



CONUNDRUM SOCIAL. 

For this social two boxes are provided,— one 
containing conundrums, the other answers to 
them, all of which are plainly written on cards, 
or on strips of paper. When a gentleman en- 



SOCIALS 53 

ters the room, he draws a card from the box of 
answers. The gentleman must then find the lady 
who holds the answer to his conundrum, and pay 
for her supper. The delightful part of this ar- 
rangement is that in his search he is obliged to 
enter into conversation with many different ladies, 
and as all the other gentlemen in the room are 
similarly engaged the scene at once become ani- 
mated, and there is no trace of that stiffness 
which makes many sociables anything but socia- 
ble. 

A copy of the conundrums with their answers 
should be in the hands of the manager, and to 
her the gentleman must escort the lady who, he 
thinks, holds the answer to his conundrum. If 
his search has been successful he has nothing 
more to do but to devote himself to his com- 
panion; if unsuccessful he must pay to the man- 
ager a fine of five cents, excuse himself and con- 
tinue his search. 

The conundrums should not be too difficult; 
but there is more fun as well as more profit to be 
derived from them if there are several answers 
which would seem to fit the same conundrum. 

The manager must be careful to put no conun- 
drum in one box which does not have an answer 
in the other box. Such a course might prove 
amusing for a time, but is really unfair, and 
therefore objectionable. Not having means of 



54 SOCIALS 

knowing how many will be present at the social, 
she will be likely to have more conundrums than 
are used, and answers will be drawn while the 
conundrums still remain in the box and vice 
versa. The manager must obviate this difficul- 
ty, when she has reason to believe there will be 
few more arrivals, by making exchanges with the 
gentlemen holding the conundrum, the answer of 
which still remains in the box. By referring to her 
copy, and calling for the gentlemen holding such 
and such conundrums, this can be easily done. 
If the crowd contains more of one sex than of 
the other, these unfortunate, companionless per- 
sons are known as "Daisies," and are consoled 
for their sad fate by having special favors heaped 
upon them. A "daisy tea" is provided for them 
on a special table decorated with daisies, and 
spread with dainties that the other table does not 
have. They wear the daisy, and after supper 
have the privilege of selecting whom they wish 
among the crowd for a partner in the first game, 
or for a special tete-a-tete if games are not 
played, and the rightful partner can offer no ob- 
jections. 

When refreshments are partaken of, and be- 
fore rising from the table, more conundrums are 
indulged in, in the place of after dinner speeches. 
When the refreshments are served each gentle- 
men must be given a slip of paper on which a 



SOCIALS 55 

question is written, and each lady a slip contain- 
ing an answer. These answers do not neces- 
sarily belong to any question asked, and the more 
absurd both question and answer, the better. 
The gentleman asks the question given him and 
the lady on his right answers by reading from 
her slip of paper. If any one laughs aloud, he 
is punished in some way previously agreed upon. 
A very good punishment is to make the victim 
take a teaspoonful of strong boneset tea. 

This social may be varied in a community of 
readers, by writing a well known quotation on a 
card, instead of a conundrum, and writing the 
author's name on the card held by the lady. It 
is astonishing how many fines will have to be 
paid by well-read persons. This is also a most 
delightful entertainment for a lady to give her 
friends, provided, of course, that they can ap- 
preciate it. Partners for refreshments are se- 
lected in this way but no fines charged for mis- 
takes in assigning a quotation to the wrong 
author. Dainty menus must be provided, each 
headed with a different quotation which is sup- 
posed to be specially written for the person to 
whom the menu is given. These are read aloud, 
and if well selected afford much amusement. 



56 SOCIALS 



POPCORN SOCIAL. 

Try a popcorn social when you are too tired 
to get up anything more pretentious. Get the 
young people interested, charge a moderate ad- 
mission fee, and if you have planned wisely and 
well before the evening on which the social is to 
be held then there will be no further effort 
required except such as is needed to break the 
ice and to superintend the cleaning of the hall 
the next day. 

At a popcorn social every one is requested to 
wear old clothes and a dusting cap. Such a 
social is really nothing more than one of the 
"good old times" that father and mother tell 
about having in the kitchen when their young 
friends came to see them, except that some wor- 
thy object may be benefitted. 

Plenty of popcorn must be provided, and two 
or three corn poppers. If there is no stove in 
the room, borrow a gasoline stove. Popcorn 
balls, molasses candy and peanut candy may also 
be furnished during the evening. No other 
refreshments will be necessary. The older peo- 
ple will be foolish if they do not take part in the 



SOCIALS 57 

social, and will be much harder to please than 
they usually are if they do riot go home feeling 
that they have had their money's worth. 



LEAF SOCIAL. 

A very attractive entertainment called the 
"Leaf Social" was given by the young people of 
a little town as a means of raising money for 
new books for their library. 

Leaves were cut from green cambric, to repre- 
sent those of different forest trees and garden 
plants. There were two of each kind. One was 
given by the doorkeeper to each lady on entering 
the room, and its mate was put into a large box. 
When the company had arrived, the leaves in 
the box were shaken and sold to the gentlemen, 
who paid twenty-five cents, then drew a leaf from 
the box without being allowed to see it until he 
had it in his possession. That entitled him to 
supp>er for himself and lady. He could know 
her only by the leaf which she wore pinned to 
her dress, which must resemble exactly that pur- 
chased by him, even to the color of the thread 
used in veining. Much amusement was found in 
the attempt to match the leaves, and the stiff- 



58 SOCIALS 

ness so noticeable at many sociables was entirely 
overcome. 

The table was decorated with leaves and at 
each plate was a leaf cut from white paper, on 
which the one who sat at that place must 
write a rhyme containing the name of the leaf, 
and sign his name to it. All who failed to write 
the rhyme, were required to pay a fine of ten 
cents. 

A lady gathered up the paper leaves, before 
the guests left the table, and read the rhymes 
aloud without mentioning the name signed. 
Then a vote was taken to decide upon the two 
best rhymes, and the authors of them each 
received a beautiful hot house plant. 

There was a table, also, presided over by two 
young girls dressed in white with garlands of 
green leaves. On this table there were exposed 
for sale, pen-wipers, watch-pockets and other 
articles which could be made in the form of a 
leaf. 

After tea a blackboard was fastened to the wall, 
and a lady and gentleman, both blindfolded, were 
led up to it, and two pieces of chalk, one white 
and one colored, given to each. Their duty was 
to draw the outlines of a leaf with the white 
chalk, and vein it with the colored chalk, then 
write their names and the name of the leaf below 
their work. 



SOCIALS 59 

The veining often came far from the leaf 
drawn, and the names were very often written 
across the work, but it was very amusing to the 
spectators. 

When the couple at the board had finished, 
another couple was blindfolded, and put to work. 
All the work was left on the board, and when the 
company tired of the play, the board looked 
more like a Chinese puzzle than anything else. 



PALETTE SOCIAL. 

If you want to give an amusing social at little 
expense, try the palette social, or "Evening with 
the Animals" as it is sometimes called. I will 
describe it as given recently by a party of young 
people interested in securing a school library. 

As the guests arrived, each gentleman paid 
twenty-five^cents and received a palette cut from 
white cardboard, to which a small lead pencil 
was tied with narrow ribbon. On the palette 
were the words, "Supper for Two" in fancy let- 
ters, and along one side of it were figures from 
i to 20. The gentlemen were then taken to 
another room, where attendents wrapped them 
in sheets, and tied masks over their faces, com- 



60 SOCIALS 

pletely disguising them; then a tiny card, just 
large enough to hold one or two figures, was 
fastened to the drapery of each. 

The ladies were required to pay ten cents each, 
which entitled them to a card similar to those 
fastened to the gentlemen. They were then told 
that they would find a package in the next room, 
marked by a card bearing a number correspond- 
ing to that which we held. 

None but the few ladies who planned the so- 
cial knew anything about the sort of "packages" 
that awaited them, and the surprise created a 
great deal of merriment, and rendered impossi- 
ble the restraint so often noticeable at such gath- 
erings. 

The lady was obliged to remove the mask from 
the face of her 'package' as soon as sne found 
it, and he then acted as her escort for the rest 
of the evening. 

When the different couples had returned to the 
main room, they were required to take seats at 
once. A blackboard, and chalk, was provided, 
and the manager took her place beside it, hold- 
ing twenty small cards in her hand, on each of 
which was written the name of some well-known 
animal or insect. A good list would consist of 
"camel, pig, butterfly, cow, dog, cat, elephant, 
hen, rat, horse, toad, owl, mule, sheep, bee, bat, 
turkey, swan, ostrich, and rabbit." 



SOCIALS 61 

The manager called some one from the aud- 
ience, and showed him the word written on the 
upper card in her hand. No one else was al- 
lowed to see it. He went to the board and drew 
as good a picture of the animal named as he 
could, being allowed no more than five minutes 
in which to do the work. Then the rest of the 
audience guessed what his picture was meant to 
represent, and wrote the name opposite Fig. i 
on their palettes. There was one palette to each 
couple, and both lady and gentleman on whose 
palette was found the greatest number of correct 
guesses, were given a prise. Prizes were also 
given to the couple having the fewest correct 
guesses. 

Here are the rules governing this contest: 
Couples can consult together in whispers regard- 
ing the picture on the board, but not with their 
neighbors. Incase of a tie, a few more pictures 
must be drawn for the "tied" contestants. When 
the first artist has finished his picture, it is erased, 
and some one else is called to the board. The 
first card is placed at the bottom of the pack, 
the second card is shown to the artist, who goes 
to w T ork at once. No artist counts the name of 
his own picture. 

It is a good idea to have either the lady or 
gentleman in each couple called to the board 
once, so that all may have an equal number of 



62 SOCIALS 

guesses. No one must know beforehand what 
he will be required to draw. The poorer artist 
he proves to be, the more fun there will be, and 
the more wild guessing. When the last card has 
been used, each couple writes their names on 
their palette, than the palettes are exchanged, 
and marks are drawn through all wrong guesses, 
while the manager reads aloud the names on her 
list, in the same order as shown to the artists. 

After the prizes are awarded, refreshments are 
served. It this case they were provided by the 
ladies, who also donated the prizes, so what they 
made was clear Rain. 



PUZZLE SOCIAL. 

If you have never given a puzzle social, try it. 
Provide as many envelopes as you expect guests, 
and number them plainly, so that there will be 
two envelopes bearing the same number ; put 
one in a box provided for the ladies, the other in 
a box from which the gentlemen will draw. 

In each envelope put a slip of paper on , which 
you have written the words of a well-known 
verse from the works ol some poet, which you 
have copied without regard to "rhyme or rea- 
son." The more you can mix the words of these 



SOCIALS 63 

verses the better, but be sure that no word and 
not even a pause is omitted. 

As each person, lady or gentleman enters the 
room, he is obliged to pay ten cents, and is then 
allowed to draw an envelope from the proper 
box. He must write the verse correctly, on the 
back of the paper on which it is written. 

At luncheon time, the manager produces a box 
containing a dainty lunch for two, and reads the 
number on the cover. The lady and the gentle- 
man holding envelopes bearing the same number 
as that on the box go forward to claim it, but if 
either has failed to get his verse written correct- 
ly, the other must help straighten it out before 
the box is given them. 

Neither party should have an idea as to who 
will be his companion at lunch, until the number 
of their box is called. The boxes of lunch are 
usually provided by the ladies, but marked by 
the manager. 



MAUD MULLER SOCIAL. 

This is a most delightful entertainment for a 
home party, for school exhibitions, college clubs, 
and for literary societies wanting to entertain 



64 SOCIALS 

friends for an evening, or in need of money for 
running expenses. It is so easily arranged that 
amateurs need not be afraid to undertake it, 
especialy as the directions are very complete. 
It is something in the nature of a musical drama. 

The chorus should consist of a number of 
singers, but if the society is small, a quartette 
with piano or organ accompaniment will do 
nicely. The piano should stand just in front of 
the stage. If the stage is small the chorus may 
be grouped in front of it in such a way as not to 
hide the actors from any part of the audience. 
In the communities for which this entertainment 
is especially designed, this will be the most con- 
venient arrangement. In larger communities, 
there will be persons who can direct the move- 
ments of the chorus more after the manner of the 
chorus in an opera, if that is thought desirable. 

Considerable practice will be necessary to 
make the singing parts go off easily, especially 
where the tune is carried out in conversational 
style, as in the first lines. For instance, when 
Mrs. Muller sings, "Be careful," etc., the chorus 
stops, she continuing where they left off. When 
they sing, "John answers/' they continue where 
she left off, etc. It will be readily seen that un- 
less each sings his part unhesitatingly, so that 
the tune goes on without interruption, the effect 
will not be good. Different tunes from those 



SOCIALS 65 

suggested may be used by the chorus if thought 
best, If there are not enough lines or words to 
finish the tune, repeat as many as necessary. 
Care should be taken to sing with expression and 
to pronounce the words distinctly. This entertain- 
ment requires only a short time in the rendering 
of it, and at its conclusion the time may be spent 
in social conversation or games. It might be a 
good idea to have some one read Whittier's 
"Maud Muller," before giving the burlesque. 
This burlesque may be varied without trouble. 
In places where the actors have had musical 
training the words can be set to quite difficult 
music, but when carefully rehearsed as given 
here, it cannot fail to be amusing. 

ACT FIRST. 

SCENE FIRST. 

[Curtain rises disclosing Mrs. Muller, a fat old lady, 
patching a pair of overalls. John, a half-grown boy walks 
around impatiently, and soon Mrs. Muller hands the over- 
alls to him, well covered with conspicuous patches. As 
John puts them on the chorus begins to sing.] 

Chorus. [Tune, Bonnie Doom] 

John Muller puts on his pants of tweed, 
Which his tired mother has just re-kneed, 
And sprinkled with patches in other places, 
Where her well worn slipper has left its traces, 
And she savs to her boy as he puts them on, 



66 SOCIALS 

Mrs. M. 

Be careful of them there breeches John! 
Cho. 

John answers— 
John. 

You bet. [Turns a handspring and hurries 
from the stage.] 

Cho. 

— then hurries away 
To the meadow where Maud is raking hay, 
Taking the path which leads through the 
wood. 

For this little boy is not very good. 

And he takes more pleasure than tongue can 

tell, 
In thinking of ways to make Maud yell. 
He stops ere the last oak tree is passed, 
Saying — 
John. [Grinning with delight.] 

— by jing, but Pve ketched 'em at last! 
If I'm not mistaken there comes the Judge, 
And I have not forgotten that I owe Maud a 

grudge 
For telling on me one day when I 
Sprinkled red pepper into her pie. 

[John disappears. While the chorus and he 
are singing the above, Mrs. Muller is putting the 
room to rights, very energetically, and somewhat 
impatiently. When they finish, she begins to 
sing while continuing her work.] 



SOCIALS 67 

Mrs. M. [Tune, chorus to " Annie Rooney."] 
I'm so weary! life is to me 
One long round of drudgery, 
From four in the morning till late in the night, 
I with disorder must fight, fight, fight. 

There's Maud and Johnnie, I never did see 
Two such children as those children be ! 
Always tearing garments ; always wanting 

food ; 
Always into mischief; they won't be good. 

Then, there's Muller ! Oh, dear me ! 
I do wish sometimes that I was free ! 
Marriage is a failure ; deny it who can, 
With two unruly children, and one lazy 
man. 

[Muller enters in time to hear the last verse. 
He listens in angry astonishment, and when it is 
finished comes toward his wife, with fist doubled 
up,] 

Muller. [In a rage.] See here, old woman; 
what is this you're saying ? Tell me if you dare, 
and keep silent if you dare ! I defy you to do 
either ! Do you hear me ? I defy you ! I will 
not be maligned in my own house. I will not, 
I say ! If you can't show me proper respect, 
you can leave at once. You can go out alone 
into the cold, heartless world, and wrestle for 
your own bread and butter. You can. [Finish- 
ishes with an inarticulate, sputtering noise, ac- 



68 SOCIALS 

companied with furious stamping of feet and* 
shaking fists.] 

Mrs. L. [Coolly pushes a chair to the middle 
of the stage, and stands with one hand on the 
back of it, while with the fore-finger of the other 
hand she motions Muller to be seated.] Come 
here, Muller, and sit down until you can get 
cooled off a little. Come here, I say ! I shall 
not repeat it. [Muller obeys very unwillingly, 
and as he starts to sit, Mrs. M. puts both hands 
on his shoulders and gives him vigorous assist- 
ance, and then stands before him, shaking one 
finger unpleasantly close to his nose while she 
talks to him in a cool, sarcastic voice, which he 
seems afraid to resent.] It would be a sad day 
for you, Muller, if I should go away to earn my 
own bread and butter ; land knows where you'd 
get yours. Have you mended that gate as I 
told you to ? 

Mul. N-n-o ! I — I was just going to. 

Mrs. M. Just going to! You said the same 
thing two weeks ago, and you'll repeat it two 
weeks from to-day, and the gate will hang by one 
hinge for two monthsunless I fix it myself. Why 
aren't you in the meadow ? 

Mul. [Whiningly.] Maud said she didn't 
want me. She said she'd rather rake the hay 
alone than to have me around. Maud gets sau- 
cier every day. 



SOCIALS 69 

Mrs. M. And you came to the house when 
she said that ? Didn't you know any better than 
that, you old idiot ! Couldn't you see that she 
wanted you to come to the house so that she 
could be alone with young Jones ? 

Mul. Young Jones said he was going to the 

village to-day. 

Mrs. M. Going to the village ! I presume 
he told you so. He knows you'll swallow any- 
thing ! Why didn't you stop to think that he 
had a sick horse and couldn't go ? He was prob- 
ably hiding behind some tree until Maud could 
get you out of the way. 

Mul. I don't believe Maud cares for Jones 
since the Judge has been coming this way so 
often. 

Mrs. M. Oh, the Judge ! You don't know a 
girl. It would be exactly like her to marry Jones 
just because she knows myheait is set on her 
marrying the Judge. Now you go back to the 
meadow just as fast as you know how, and don't 
you leave Maud until she comes to dinner. 

Mul. Oh, dear ! It's too hot to work. 

Mrs. M. Go, as I tell you ! [Pushes him 
toward the door, and the curtain falls.] 



7o SOCIALS 



ACT SECOND. 

SCENE FIRST. 

[The curtain rises disclosing Maud Muller in the meadow, 
and John watching her from behind a tree. Maud shades 
her eyes with one hand while pretending to look off at a dis- 
tance, and then, as if she caught sight of some one, she 
immediately begins to make herself presentable, as suggested 
m the song of the chorus, always doing just as they say she 
does. The chorus sings this to the tune of the first lines of 
"Old Dan Tucker," dividing the last word of each couplet 
to make it fit the measure. As for instance, pronouncing 
brown — "brow-own." Such little touches do much toward 
making the entertainment more ridiculous.] 

Chorus. 

He watched his sister stooping down 
To pull a thorn from her foot so brown; 
Witnessed her hasty search for a pin, 
With which to fasten her dress sleeve in; 
Saw her tie her apron in eager haste 
To hide where her dress is torn from the 

waist; 
Noticed how brown were her arms so bare, 
As she raised them to smooth her tangled 

hair. 
John knows, by the way she acts, just when 
She thinks herself fit to be seen of men. 

[Here, Maud must show b> her actions that 
she is very well pleased with her appearance, 



SOCIALS 7 1 

then she begins to sing in a very affected man- 
ner.] 

Maud. [Tune, "Suanee River."] 
I'm really quite a pretty girlie, 

That's what they say. 
Eyes bright as stars and teeth so pearly, 

Lovely as a bright June day. 
If ever from the old plantation, 

I chance to roam. 
Pm pestered with the invitation, 
"Please may I see you home?" 

Chorus. 

All the laddies, when they see me, 

Think they'd happy be, 
If all along life's thorny pathway, 

They might walk with me. 

SECOND VERSE. 

It surely seems to be my duty 

Lonely to roam, 
Until my matchless grace and beauty 

Bring me a wealthy home. : 
Then I can say good bye to sorrow, 

I'll be care-tree, 
No trouble shall I need to borrow; 

Happy, happy I shall be. 

Chorus. 

But the laddies, when they see me, 

Will unhappy be, 
That, adown life's thorny pathway, 
They can't walk with me. 



72 SOCIALS 

[When Maud finishes her song, she steps back, 
and shading her eyes with one hand, looks to see 
if the Judge is near, while the chorus sings. The 
following lines would better be sung to the tune 
of "Bonnie Doon," as it is well adapted to sing- 
ing conversational lines. 

Chorus. 

The small boy whispered — 
John and Chorus. [In a whisper.] 
— oh, my eye ! 

Chorus. 

As he sees the Judge riding slowly by, 

On his proud stepping horse, which John 

well knew 
Had been cured of spring-halt but a month 

or two; 
Dressed fit to kill, in his Sunday best — 
John couldn't be fooled when he saw that 

vest — 
And his good eye looking far away. 
As if he'd not seen Maud raking hay. 

[While chorus sings, the Judge rides in. His 
horse is represented by two men covered w T ith a 
fur robe. The first stands bent forward with his 
hands resting on his knees. The second puts 
his arms around the first, and rests his head upon 
him. The legs of the first man form the fore 
legs of the horse, and those of the second, the 
hind legs. A horse-head of pasteboard, and a 
long tail are fastened in place, and the "horsq 



91 



SOCIALS 73 

is ready. The Judge should be a light weight 
man, dressed to appear very corpulent.] 

John. [From behind a tree sings excitedly.] 

It may be — oh, dear me ! the Judge may 
pass, 

For the eye towards Maud h'aint nothing but 
glass. 

Oh, no, he won't either ! My, what fun ! 

His glass eye is better than t'other one, 

And now, lady Maud, you may sigh and grin, 

While I sit by this tree and take it all in. 

Who knows but this child will have some- 
thing to tell, 

Which will make you waltz 'round pa for a 
spell. 

[Just as John finishes, the chorus begins, and 
the Judge stops his horse near Maud, and the 
two act as indicated in the lines.] 

Chorus. [Tune, "Dan Tucker."] 

The small boy throws his arm 'round the 

tree, 
And hugs it close in his fiendish glee, 
For he sees the Judge raise his hat and nod, 
As he stops his horse right in front of Maud. 
Sees Maud give a start — as any girl can, 
Who likes to pretend that a certain man 
She has not seen till she hears him speak, 
When she grows so frightened it makes her 

weak. 
Maud does it well ; and the Judge so wise 
In matters which do not require two eyes, 
Is well taken in. 



74 SOCIALS 

Judge. [Sings in an aside.] 
— By jimminy ! 
There was never a maiden so fair as she, 
So artless and innocent, good and so mild. 
Old mother Nature's most promising child. 
It's time I was thirsty. Guess I'll see 
If I can get her to talk to me. 
Fair maid, 
John. [Mimicking him.] 

"Fair maid," 
He said in a voice so sweet, 
It would turn into jell a pickled beet. 
Judge. 

I'm parched with thirst, now don't you think 

You could manage to get me something to 

drink? 

Chorus. [Tune: That which fits the song 

"Vacation, "beginning, "Vacationhas come with 

its pleasures again."] 

Something to drink! Ere the last words fell, 
Maud started hastily towards the well, 
Which is fed by a spring, not forgetting the 

cup, 
With which to dip the cool water up, 
See! As she goes she tries in vain 
To walk so her feet will not show so plain, 
And she thinks with a pang of the keenest 

sorrow, 
Of her mother's shoes ? which she could not 

borrow. 
She returns with the water. Now list to the 
Judge. 



SOCIALS 75 

Judge. [Plaintively.] 

This hand from the saddle I cannot budge, 

I've hurt it severely, don't you see? 

Now won't you please hold the cup for me? 

[Maud holds the cup while the Judge drinks.] 
Chorus. [Chants in a monotone, speaking 
very distinctly. Maud and the Judge act as indi- 
cated in the lines.] 

There at Maud's feet in the new mown hay, 

A hornet is slowly finding its way 

From under the grasses, which hold him 

fast, 
And prevent him from flying. He's free at 

last! 
He spies Maud's brown foot minus a shoe, 
And he acts as hornets usually do. 
Maud yells, and the Judge can easily see 
That there's only one foot where two should 

be. 

The other she's drawn quite up to her waist 
In eager, most frantic, undignified haste. 
It upsets her equilibrium, 
Which means the steadiness of her thumb, 
The cup is o'er turned, and the Judge's nose 
Receives one of those unexpected blows, 
Which, early or late, must come to us all 
To convince us that stars do quite frequently 
fall. 

Maud had yelled. But the Judge — Oh how 

shall we tell it; 
The word that he said? We won't even spell 

it. 



76 SOCIALS 

[Excitedly.] 

But the horse knows it well; he has heard it 

before, 
And it usually means he must idle no more. 

Half of the Chorus. [Quickly.] 

So he starts off at once without making a 
sound. 

Other half of the Chorus. [Solemnly.] 

And the Judge stays behind to examine the 
ground. 

[When the chorus begins the last couplet, the 
horse jumps forward, throwing the Judge to the 
ground, where he remains for a moment as if 
stunned; the horse disappears; Maud pours 
water upon her foot.] 

Chorus. [Tune, "I couldn't help it; how 
could I mamma."] 

The slow minutes pass full of pain and grief, 
And neither one goes to the other's relief ; 
And there in the shade of the old, oak tree, 
The boy squirms and rolls in his spasmodic 

glee, 
For he's noticed that right where the Judge 

sat down, 
The grass is uncut and tall and brown. 
The mowers passed by when they cut the 

rest, 
For they knew that right there is a hornet's 

nest. 



SOCIALS 77 

John. [Raising his head from the grass, and 
singing as if nearly choked with laughter.] 

The mowers passed by when they cut the 

rest, 
For they knew that right there is a hornet's 

nest. 
The Judge '11 know it, too, in less than a 

minute. 
And he'll also know there are hornets in it. 

[The Judge suddenly springs up, takes off his 
hat and begins to fight the hornets. Maud, also, 
becomes excited, and fights with bonnet and 
apron, while John dances with delight, in the 
background. Curtain falls.] 



ACT SECOND. 

SCENE SECOND. 

[Curtain rises disclosing the Judge, minus coat, vest, and 
shoes, sitting by a fence, trying to get the hornets from his 
shirt sleeves and trousers legs. He should have some blotches 
on his face, which may be made with putty. Maud sits ut- 
terly exhausted on a pile of hay. John watches them atten- 
tively.] 

Chorus. [Tune, "Bonnie Doon," Sing with 
great earnestness.] 

The Judge knew it, too, in less than a min- 
ute, 
And he also knew there were hornets in it, 



78 SOCIALS 

And the thought expressed by his soulful 

yell 
Was a shade more woeful than tongue can 

tell. 
He quickly arose and ambled away 
From the meadow and Maud and the new 

mown ha} 7 . 
Ambled away, he knew not where, 
To get out of sight was his only care. 

[Chant.] 

And when he had left the hornets behind, 
He stopped by that old rail fence to bind 
A handkerchief over his swollen nose 
And remove a few hornets out of his clothes. 

Judge. [Tune, "Old Aunt Rhoda," sung 
with great expression.] 

Plague take these hornets ! 
Plague take these hornets ! 
Plague take these hornets ! 
Why should they cling to me? 
Unless they soon leave me, 
Unless they soon leave me, 
Unless they soon leave me, 
I know I'll .crazy be, 
Good-by, Maud Muller, 
Good-by, Maud Muller, 
Good-by, Maud Muller, 
I'll never think of you 
Without feeling these hornets. 
These mad, clinging hornets, 
These blood-thirsty hornets, 
And that will never do. 



SOCIALS 79 

Chorus. [Chant.] 

On his hands six lumps are painfully sore, 
And under his clothing are several more, 
Still he feels, as he counts the lumps on his 
chin. 

Judge. (Reflectively. Tune, "Bonnie Doon.") 

It isn't so bad as it might have been. 

I cannot think much with this aching head, 

But I know that my love for Maud Muller is 

dead. 
My love on a girl can never be spent, 
Who has seen me in such a predicament. 

Chorus. 

There is nothing so hard on love, as a rule, 
As the fear of a little ridicule. 
He tenderly binds up his swollen thumbs, 
And plainly before him a vision comes 
Of a ragged girl with uncombed hair, 
And feet that are dreadfully big and bare, 

And a form that is many degrees too thin, 

And he groans when he thinks what might 
have been, 
Judge. [Groans and then sings solemnly.] 

I groan when I think what might have been. 
(When the chorus sing, "And plainly before 
him a vision came." Maud arises with an effort, 
and comes toward him, on her way out of the 
field. She walks with great difficulty. The 
Judge goes off the stage.) 



80 SOCIALS 

Cho. 

Poor Maud, left alone on the field of hay, 
Finds it very hard work to get away, 
For her bare, brown foot is so rapidly grow- 
ing, 
It impedeth her progress when she would be 
going. 

Maud. (Sarcastically. Sings slowly to the 
tune of "Old Dan Tucker.") 

Do I mourn for the Judge? Well, really, 

you know, 
Girls who live now-a-days are not apt to do 

so. 
I envied him his position, of course, 
And admired him much as he sat on his 

horse, 
And being so tired of my work-a-day life, 
I have thought of myself as the Judge's wife, 
With nothing to do from day to day, 
But amuse myself while the Judge was away. 
But I changed my mind when I saw him fall, 
And I hope there is no one who saw it all, 
For I've always hated effeminate men, 
And I groan when I think what might have 

been. 

Cho. 

She groaned when she thought what might 
have been. 

(Maud limps off the stage.) 
Cho. (Tune, "Bonnie Doom") 

John Muller gets up from his leafy bed, 
And jerks off his hat from his curly head, 



SOCIALS 81 

For something within him, he knows not 

what, 
Tells him to visit the fateful spot, 
And see if he cannot come off best 
In a fight with the hornets, and steal their 

nest. 

[When the chorus begins, John steals stowly 
towards the center of the stage, hat in hand, and 
with a pleased expression on his face. He begins a 
fight with imaginary hornets, and as it progresses 
his face becomes more serious, and finally he 
fights frantically, and seems to be trying to get 
away.) 

Cho. (Laughingly. ) 

To see if he cannot come off best 

In a fight with the hornets and steal their 

nest. 
He can't, you know, though he'll have some 

fun, 
But he'll want to stop ere they have begun. 

(John rushes off the stage, still fighting hor- 
nets. Curtain falls.) 



82 SOCIALS 



ACT THIRD. 

SCENE FIRST. 

[Curtain rises on the Muller home. Mrs. Muller is busy 
clearing up the room. John rushes in during the progress 
of the song by the chorus, with his clothes badly torn. She 
stares at him a moment in blank amazement, then removes 
her slipper, takes him across her knee, and punishes him 
well.] 

Chorus. (Chant in a motonous tone.) 

John made quicker time than he e'er made 

before, 
As home through the woods he frantically 

tore, 
Forgetting to care for his pants of tweed, 
Which were only good where they'd been re- 
kneed. 
A minute slips by. They are played upon 
By his mother's slipper so large and strong, 
Till his teeth feel loose and he isn't sure, 
How long the bark in his clothes will en- 
dure. 
He is free at last ! He flees through the 

door, 
Saying, 

John. (Pretending to cry.) 

I'll never do so any more. 



SOCIALS 83 

(John stands at one side of the stage, which 
is divided to look like two rooms, and removes 
some ragged bark from the seat of his overalls.) 

Chorus. 

He grins when he sees the state it is in, 
But groans when he thinks what might have 
been. 

John. 

I groan when I think what might have been. 

(John re-enters the other room, and sits in a 
chair in farthest corner. Maud comes in limp- 
ing, with her apron bound about her foot.) 

Mrs. Muller. Now, what's the matter? 
Why do you come in at this hour of the day ? 
Dinner isn't ready. 

Maud. (Begins crying.) A hornet stung me. 
I'll never make hay again. 

Mrs. M. You know where the hornets' nest 
is. Why did you go near it ? 

Maud. I — I — didn't. The hornet came to 
me. 

John. He came to me, too ! 

f MAUD. (Starts and looks toward him.) Are 
you there ? 

John. Yes'm, I'm here. I was there, too, 
but — (Maud goes to him and talks in an aside, 
offering him her penknife. John will not be 
bribed. Mrs. M. pares potatoes.) 



84 SOCIALS 

John. (In a loud tone.) It'll take more'n that 
to make me keep still. 

Maud. Hush. I'll give you more. 

John. Remember the pie ; hey ? You got 
me licked that day. 

Maud. I'm awfully sorry, Johnnie. 

John. So am I. I was sorry about it at the 
time. 

Maud. What can I give you, John ? 

John. Give me a dollar. 

Maud. But that's all the money I have. 

John. Very well. Do as you like about it. 
By the way, Mother — 

Maud. (Catches him by the arm.) John ! 

Mrs. M. What is it, John ? 

John. Jim Blake's dog has five little puppies. 

Mrs. M. What do you suppose I care. 

John. Didn't suppose you cared at all. (In 
a lower tone to Maud.) Well, my lady? 

Maud. And you'll never say a word if I give 
you the dollar ? 

John. Never, so help me George Washing- 
ton. (Lays his hand upon his heart. Maud 
gives him the dollar, which was in a little purse 
tied around her neck.) 

Maud. What can I do for my foot, ma ? 

Mrs. M. Put a bread poultice on it. 

John. What ! On all of it ? You'll have to 
bake another batch of bread. (He amuses him- 



SOCIALS 85 

self by tossing up and catching the dollar. Maud 
makes the poultice, singing as she does it.) 

Maud, (Tune, "Tramp, Tramp, the Boys 
are Marching.") 

I have been a silly fool; 

Now, Pll make myself this rule: 

I will never wed unless it be for lov 

I care nothing, now, for wealth; 

Love and joy and perfect health 

Are the richest blessings sent us from above. 

Chorus. 

Oh ! dear ! me ! Pm quite disgusted. 

This has been a lesson dear. 

After all I have been through, then to lose 

my dollar, too, 
Makes me wish that horrid Judge had ne'er 

come here. 

(Enter Muller, yawning and rubbing his eyes.) 

Mul. Dinner ready yet ? Pm nearly starved. 

Mrs. M. Muller, have you been in the mead- 
ow? 

Mul. Y-e-s. Oh, yes. 

Maud and John. Oh-h-h! 

Mrs. M. (Takes Muller by the ear and leads 
him to a chair.) Now, Muller, confess! Where 
have you been? If you don't tell me, Pll pull 
every hair out of your head. 

Muller. I — I — guess — Pve been asleep in 
the barn for a few minutes — only a few minutes, 



86 SOCIALS 

though! I know, because I talked with } r oung 
Jones for several hours. 

Maud. (Blushing and simpering.) Oh, pa! 
what did he want? 

John. Did he say anything about that dog 
he's going to give me? 

Mrs. M. (To John.) Neither he nor any other 
man will give you a dog. (To M.) What were 
you talking about? 

Mul. (Becoming angry.) I don't have to 
tell. A man hasn't got to tell his wife every- 
thing, I guess. It's none of your business, and 
I shall not tell one word that young Jones said 
to me. 

Mrs. M. [Coolly.) Muller, be calm. Now 
tell me exactly what Jones said. Did he want to 
borrow anything? 

Mul. No-o-o, not exactly. 

Mrs. M. Not exactly. He wanted to get it to 
keep, I suppose? Answer me. 

Mul. Y-e-s, that's about it. 

Mrs. M. He asked for Maud. 

Mul. Uh-huh, 

Maud. What did you say, you darling old 
papa? 

Mrs. M. Keep still, Maud. This doesn't 
concern you. 

Mul. No, it does not concern you. He said 



SOCIALS 87 

he'd give me that roan horse of his, if Pd use my 
influence with you. 

Maud. (Rapturoush ? .) Oh, how he loves 
me! 

Mrs. M. How much is the horse worth? 

Mul. Two hundred and. fifty dollars, if he's 
worth a cent. 

John. Pd rather have him than fourteen 
Mauds. 

Mul. Jones says his father will do the hand- 
some thing by him. 

Mrs: M. Well sell old Bill when we get the 
roan horse. Come here, my daughter! Come 
here, John. Let's all shake hands over the good 
news. (They shake hands and join the chorus 
in singing the following lines to the tune of 
"Bonnie Doom") 

Oh, Whittier, Whittier, what would I not 

give. 
If those words of thine which forever must 

live, 
To be sung through the ages, had been writ 

by me! 
For words which are truer there never can N 

be, 
"Of all the sad words of tongue or pen, 
The saddest are these, it might have been." 
And I think we have proved it in our verse, 
Things were bad enough, but they might 

have been worse. 



88 SOCIALS 

(Chant in a sing-song.) 

There was never an "is" so terribly bad, 
But has a "might have been, far more sad. 

(The curtain falls as the Muller family renew 
their handshaking with increased animation.) 



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